Rainy Days

During a rainy Saturday afternoon Olivia was very restless, and I decided the both of us needed to take a break. As we laid side by side on the sofa I listened to the rain dancing on our patio roof and watched Olivia. Before dozing off into dreamland, Olivia became very quiet and stared at the ceiling while listening to my heartbeat.

While I was sitting there it occurred to me that the relationship I have with Olivia is a reflection of the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. Life is full of anxiety, fear, gnashing of teeth and it doesn't take much to neglect my relationship with Him. All the while, the Lord is gently pursuing me, asking me to spend time with Him and rest in Him. After wearing myself out, I sit and spend time reading His word, praying, and earnestly seeking Him. Reading, meditating, and completely emersing myself in His word is similar to listening to His heartbeat. During these sweet and tender moments He quiets my soul and reminds me of the promises He has for my life. These moments with Him, as with a good nap, provide refreshment and strength to complete this journey called Life.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

James 4:8

Where Are My Socks?!

Every morning Olivia, Luke (my dog), and I go for a walk. Without fail the most frustrating part of my day is looking for the ever elusive pair of socks. This seems to be an epidemic in the Craine household. The socks come off together, go into the hamper together, and go into the wash together...so why can't they make it back to the dresser together? While on the phone with my mother I am digging through my sock drawer and find a handful of single socks. As my mother and I are chatting away I decide to start seeing if I can find these socks their partners. I start scooting my foot underneath the edge of the bed and what do I find? Socks! However, not mine...Olivia and Tim's socks! Why are Olivia's socks in my room? Don't know and I don't think I'll ever get down to bottom of that. So, I continue to scoot some more and find some more little goodies that I haven't seen in a while. Two pairs of house slippers, an old purse, and my long lost bluetooth (has been about 1 year since I had last seen it)! I was so excited about my findings I told my mother, "I don't understand how my bluetooth ended up under the bed." Then, she says to me,"you were pregnant when these things were initially 'lost' and you couldn't bend down to pick up them up!"

Envisioning my big belly and things falling to ground made me laugh and I thought this was so comical that I had to share this... surely there are others who empathize with me!

Letting Go

WOW! I always knew having a child is an enormous responsibility, however, I never would have thought it's also the most challenging job I would ever have. Olivia is now almost 4 months old and everyday I am learning something new about this new role in my life called Motherhood. I never thought I would experience the amount of renewed life and joy Olivia has brought to me.

Although Tim (my husband) and I were and are extremely excited about Olivia...we (mostly me) had many anxieties and fears about how we would be able to provide for her during these economic times. And, we were concerned about the kind of world we were bringing her into. Now, fast forward 3 months after her birth and all of those fears are washed away, I look at her and realize the Lord created her for His purpose. If anything, this experience is teaching me to totally depend on the Lord and ask Him, "what is your will?" In addition to removing the fear and becoming completely dependant on Him, the Lord has been changing my goals and perspectives of my own life. I thought having the material things, big house, fancy car, and a career with a big title attached to it were the best things in life. But the Lord is showing me that all of those things actually will weigh me down and lead to a prideful heart. Don't get me wrong, having those things are great, if you can afford them and know where all of those blessing come from. However, sometimes the Lord chooses not give those things because He knows our heart.

With the previous in mind, I have also found myself asking, "what do I want for Olivia?" Do I want her to be the next greatest doctor, surgeon, president, attorney, or business-woman? While all of these careers are great accomplishments, my greatest desires for her are the following: first, that she would love the Lord and that she would have a personal relationship with Him. Second, that she would allow Christ to use her talents to the fullest extent, and that she would chase after them with all her heart, mind, and soul. And, third, that she would not be afraid to go whereever the Lord leads her.

So what's my purpose? My top responsibility is to make sure this child grows to know the love of Jesus Christ and to one day lead her to Him. The Lord is revealing to me that Olivia is not mine, she belongs to Him. With that in mind I am learning that raising a child is a series of letting go. All these stages, moving from the bassinet to their crib, holding their own bottle, crawling to walking to then running away from you...no longer needing Mommy and Daddy's help... Graduating from kindergarten, then high school, and hopefully college. Marriage...I could go on and on. These "little" stages the parents and child have to experience prepare our hearts for the greatest stage in life, which is becoming a follower of Christ.

Although these stages can be difficult and sometimes heartbreaking, Christ is constantly reminding me that she belongs to Him, which immediately brings comfort. Knowing that Olivia belongs to Him and He has a purpose for her life actually helps me look forward to the next stage of her life with optimism, anticipation, and excitement.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6